NOW THAT THE ELECTION IS OVER, WILL HOLLYWOOD EMIGRATE TO CANADA?


With all the divisiveness, pouting and general bad behavior that has followed the election, a little humor may be the best way to bring us together as we have done ever since the first peaceful change from one political party to another (from John Adams to Thomas Jefferson 216 years ago.)

I don't know the wag who penned this back in 2000 or so but I tip my hat to whoever it was.  It is as funny today as when it first came out!  

Canada has given us so many gifted singers, songwriters and entertainers -- Gordon Lightfoot, Leonard Cohen, Shania Twain, Christopher Plummer, Michael J Fox, Donald Sutherland and so many more.  The least we can do to say thank you is to allow Cher, Alec Baldwin, Madonna, Streisand, and Whoopi et al to keep the promises they first made and broke in 2000 to emigrate with our best wishes.  After all, they promised to leave (again) just this year.  Bon voyage!

​JL Shaefer

News Update from Canada

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican president-elect is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution. 

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.   "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies. 

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.  When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. 

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones. 

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

"WHO ARE THE 'VETERANS?"

J.L. Shaefer

It seems strange to previous generations that anyone would even ask such a question.  They knew who the veterans were – they were their fathers, their grandfathers, their brothers and sisters, themselves or, most worrying of all, their children.

But ever since we abolished the draft as a means to fulfill the obligations that our civilian leadership deems necessary for the security of the nation, a smaller and smaller percentage of Americans actually serve.  In fact, less than 1 in every 200 Americans is currently in the armed forces.  How many people among the 199 know that person?  Twenty?  Forty?  A very large segment of the population knows no one serving and no one who has served.

We have gained something and we have lost something in this transition.  Yes, our service members today serve because they have a strong sense of patriotism, or because it is the best way up and out of a life that offers them either too little challenge or too little opportunity.  They may have heard it is a meritocracy that works better than almost any other institution, or they want to experience first-hand the camaraderie that shared hardships offer, or maybe they are the kind of individual who wants to prove themselves early on in life.  Usually it is some combination of these.  The result is a more professional military where lifetime friendships are made with colleagues and comrades who know how to do things right and most often try their damnedest to do the right thing.

There are no “jumpin’ junkies” in this military, no one who whines that their daddy couldn’t buy them a deferment or the stupid doctor said their back was just fine.  You can actually trust the man on your right and your left to save your life just as you would theirs. No fragging, no divide between the Harvard dropout and the poverty-hobbled the-Army-or-jail enlistee. 

But along the way we have lost that great leveler that crossed class, racial, and economic boundaries.  We veterans learned so much from each other and it wasn’t always about military skills.  We learned how other people lived, what they thought and, often, what it was in their upbringing that caused them to think and talk and act in a way somewhat different from the way we were brought up.

 When I grew up, I didn’t know we were poor because my military family was around mostly other military families and we were all poor!  I grew up with playmates who weren’t just different colors but who spoke different languages and wore different clothes and ate different food.  But for most draftees it was a revelation to realize there were people in this great country who weren’t like themselves. They discovered different cuisines, different accents, and different outlooks and opportunities.  We all came home richer for that experience.

Who are the veterans?  They’re you if you’ve served and you know very well what I mean.  If you haven’t, they’re still you, but slightly different.  They’ve seen things no one should have to see.  They’ve often faced odds no one should have to face.  They’ve fought against the most devious and vicious of fighters and they’ve seen the small tear on a little girl’s face because they saved her life, her family or her village.  No words need be spoken, so veterans don’t talk all that much about what they’ve seen or had to do for their buddies or the civilians they encounter while deployed.

Some are boastful, of course, but that’s often because they are young and proud of what they’ve grown to become.  That’s understandable.  Others brag about things that never happened because they don’t want to say they served stateside as a personnel clerk.  The thing is, those of us doing a different job don’t disparage them for that at all.  Somebody has to make sure we get a new assignment or get that paycheck on time.  Besides, it’s purely the luck of the draw where one is assigned.  And bravado only lasts until the day you hold  the buddy you’ve come to love and respect as a brother in your arms, knowing his injuries are fatal and you cannot save him.

I work with a lot of the best of the best even today.  I have the honor and privilege of serving on the board of the OASIS Group.  We assist those most often deployed and most often at the tip of the spear as they transition to civilian life: Army Special Forces and Rangers, Navy SEALs, Air Force Pararescuemen and Special Tactics members and, if we can raise the funds, soon the Marine Raiders as well.  Working with these special operators, I also get to meet some of their families, who have had such hardships themselves and yet are seldom discussed at all when we think of veterans.

My own Mom grew up in the shadow of WWII.  She was 12 when it began for the USA, 16 when it ended.  She didn’t know if her daddy would return from WWII.  She didn’t know if her husband would return from two tours in Vietnam.  And she didn’t know if her son would return from his various deployments in some of the world’s garden spots.  Yet she persevered.  No one ever saw the toll this must have taken.

So, please, do make the time to find out if any of your relatives have ever served.  Or your friends, or your neighbors.  Don’t ask them if war is hell; it is much worse than hell.  Just ask what their memories are and where they went and who they met.  Don’t forget their families, either.  Those who wait at home, fearing to pick up the phone or answer the knock at the door.  Talk to them, and listen. 

Worried about the higher suicide rate for veterans and PTSD​ and wish you could do something?​

Sometimes a friend, or a neighbor, or even a stranger as you share a cup of coffee or a beer, is better than any professional counseling they could receive.  To you, they’re not a client, and to them you’re just someone curious, friendly and willing to listen. Knowing that one of the other 199 really does care about their sacrifices, experiences and future could make all the difference in the world for them -- and you.

(c) 2016 JL Shaefer